I actually didn’t fuck up as badly as I thought I had! I am the kind of person who tends to avoid looking at things or dealing with them if something goes wrong because I always expect the worse. When I finally felt well enough, I checked my last semester’s grades, and found I had actually still passed one of my classes with a C+ and got a D in another that actually counts because I started going to my college before they enacted the C or better policy. I hate leaving those classes with such shitty grades (my GPA is usually an A-) but I’ll take credit where I can.
I thought I’d have to do a medical withdrawal for the other two classes, but one of them I have to take for my program anyway so the F will be replaced with whatever I get this fall, and the other teacher is being amazingly awesome and allowing me to make up the work. This means I can still graduate this fall, even though I kind of lost it there for a while.
The spring is going to be a really difficult semester though: I have five classes, plus the class to make up, and though I only have class for two days a week, the days are 12 hours each (10:30am-9:50pm). I’m pretty nervous about it, but I know I really need to do this in order to get my degree and just move on with my life.
I’m also making a goal to read one poetry book per week. I’ve been reading books as normal even though I’ve been feeling shitty, so I think it’s gonna be a possible goal. With my financial aid, I went ahead and bought a few extra books that I didn’t need in order to have enough for this goal, though I’ll need a few more.
School started for me on Tuesday so I haven’t had all of my classes yet. Plus work, this is gonna be rough, but I think I’ll be ok.
I’ve seen a therapist twice, which is going well, but then she didn’t call me back for a week. She had previously told me she’d be busy, but I was getting kind of irritated. This morning I was woken up by her calling me (love that ringtone from that NES game Uninvited, heh) and she told me she had been previously out of the office, which is good.
See, the problem, as usual is money. The psychiatrist (who I was pretty irritated with because his “appointment” with me was him reading off the depression checklist) thoroughly questioned my past use of Ativan, something that really helps my panic attacks, asking if I abused it and shit. That made me really uncomfortable, but I digress. He gave me a script for something that the generic of was fifty bucks…yeah, that’s not cheap at all.
Couldn’t afford that but my mom gave me the hook up temporarily until we figure what’s going on. You know, Walgreens and CVS have prescription cards that give you a discount? That’s pretty cool.
Anyway, I’ve been taking this shit for 2 days and all it’s done so far has made me feel kind of pukey. I’ve been spending the past few weeks playing non-stop Dragon Age: Origins, which is keeping me busy, but I’d like to be a sane person soon.
Also I made a formspring account, so if you go to this page you can ask me whatever questions you want, even if you wanna be a super douche: http://www.formspring.me/imagesfromapoet. See you there!
So I’ve not posted in the past month, but I’m probably about to post twice in a row to make up for it a little bit.
I’ve since found a therapist and possible psychiatric solutions, but I’ve been completely fine for the past week or more because I’m not having to worry about school — all of my stress seems to stem from the idea of “growing up” or “finding a career.” I think it’s just the idea of finding something I have to do for money 40 hours a week.
Anyway, I actually saw my family on Thanksgiving, which was kind of awkward but not completely unpleasant. My grandmother recently found out about my money troubles and about how we don’t have much money for food and she sent me a fuck ton of stuff to eat, so that was awesome.
My New Years Eve went well too. Dan and I went to a friend’s party. It wasn’t super fun because the majority of people there were really conflicting with me in interests (they spent a portion of the night doing drinking games) but we left around 1:30am and headed over to Abi and Tayler’s place to hang out. We had a few more drinks and were there until 5:00am playing Uninvited, a point and click for the NES. The game is ridiculous, but still pretty fun when you’re drinking and taking turns. We never beat it but I’m sure we’ll play more of it next time we see them.
I’m trying to look up for this next year, but I see a lot of issues. Because I failed all of my classes, if I actually choose to go back in the spring I most likely will not get financial aid. Do I want to continue going to school? I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.
Stay tuned for a less personal type post.
When I finally realized I wasn’t just a high strung person, that I had a serious anxiety problem, I was twenty two. I was having serious problems with chest pains, a racing pulse, and irregular heart beats. My doctor told me I had mitral valve prolapse, meaning the mitral valve in my heart was not opening and closing properly, and that I needed to stop drinking products with caffeine in them. She gave me a beta blocker and an anti anxiety medicine that she said I should take them until the stress died down in my life (my grandfather was dying, slowly, from lung cancer). After a few weeks of being on the anti anxiety medicine, I realized something. I wasn’t afraid to go out of the house anymore.
Sometimes it’s better and sometimes it’s worse. I stopped taking my prescriptions a few years ago and I’ve worked in therapy in the past on reducing my stress level, but it’s not all cognitive. Sometimes I know I am being weird or paranoid but I can’t control it. I guess it’s why it’s a disorder, durrrrr. But I am at another stage in my life where I’m paralyzed with fear when it comes to leaving the house. Part of it is money, to be honest with myself. I literally have none of that to the point where I’m strapped for cash to get to and from work. It’s why I don’t leave much anyway.
I need to get to a therapist or a doctor that will prescribe medicine for me, but I can’t afford it. I’m not sure where to go for free help, and even so, my anxiety makes it hard to leave the house to go to a new place. Today I decided I needed to do something about it so I started taking the leftover Lexapro that I still have. There’s enough there that it should start to make a dent and I can hope that I have my school money by the time that happens. Either way, I still need to go back to the doctor because my hands haven’t completely cleared up. They get almost normal and then a few blisters pop up the moment I stop using the hydrocortisone. I think it might be allergies also.
My mom took me to dinner tonight and then gave me this pay as you go phone that used to be my grandfather’s before he died. He died in 2006. The phone is ancient. I am just glad to have a phone.
We went out for dinner at this place that serves BBQ Duck, so we ordered one. The waitress brought it out to us, cut it up in front of us, gave us the meat and some vegetables, and then took the carcass back to the chefs, who made soup and fried rice out of it. It was really delicious, though the fucking soup had cilantro in it, which is the devil’s herb.
Anyway, it was cool to hang out with my mom and I feel a lot better now that I have a cell phone, even though it’s pretty limited use.
I’m sick of being poor.
When I was working at the library I worked at back in 2007, I was working four days a week and making enough money that I could pay rent, eat out at least once or twice a week, buy whatever games and movies I wanted, and still had enough to save up some.
Now, with my super-part-time job and school, I don’t even have enough to get my phone turned back on. I can’t afford to buy groceries more than us eating peanut butter and jelly and tuna fish sandwiches. A large part of this is that I’m trying to feed three people on two hundred dollars a month (plus use some of that money to use the train and stuff).
It’s really frustrating and sometimes I can’t remember why I quit my job to go to school. Other times I realize that I was as high as I could go, and I had to go to school in order to progress any higher on the library totem. My goal is just so far away and I’m sick of scraping by. It’ll still be another year until I have my B.A. and probably around 3 before I have my M.L.I.S. but it’s really the only way.
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About As a poet, I feel like any photography I do will always be a reflection of the words I use. When I think, I think in words, not images, unlike visual artists. This site houses a minimalist dream log, my poetry including poems from You May Waltz To Your Doom In Sanguine Stained Shoes, my photography, and a blog with Let's Play related entries.
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