I have not been really interested in blogging much lately. I guess you could say I’m “depressed” but it’s more like extreme apathy. I’m really behind in school and struggling to even go. I sought out mental help at my school and they told me I should really take medicine. Because I don’t have insurance, I literally called 30 places, and they either told me they weren’t accepting people now and it wouldn’t be possible for a few months or that they don’t handle situations like mine (i.e. not their specific field — some of the places were rehab clinics and such).
At this point, to be honest and completely frank (those of you who know me well should know that’s something I’m used to), I really could care less about going to school and only go to my job because I cannot afford to get fired — if I get fired, we cannot afford to eat, and overeating is pretty much the only thing I get any joy out of when I’m depressed.
I am trying to “be strong” but there’s just not much out there. My life isn’t hard by any stretch of the imagination: I have somewhere to live, friends, options, fun things to do, but I literally care not for any of it. I don’t even care enough to cry.
I find it pretty weird that I would post this in a public entry, but it’s just the only explanation I have. Sorry for my absense.
Have you called the Family Institute at Northwestern? They’re good and they operate on a sliding scale. I was seeing them for a while for relationship counseling and originally it was $20 but then they lowered it to $10, so I only paid $5 since I was splitting it with my bf. Sometimes they’re full but I highly recommend it. Also, Rebecca Aronson in counseling services at Columbia is a really nice lady. You should talk to her. She’s free and available.
If you feel apathetic, my non-professional opinion is not that you need medication because that has a habit of only making that symptom worse. I think you need a change of pace, something to feel passionate about again. Hopefully after this semester is over you’ll have some time to focus on yourself and your needs. Chill out and play video games and whatnot.
I’ve felt the same way for months now. Not a bad life at all, I
just almost completely anhedonic.
Depression sucks in a way that people who don’t have it can never understand. Unfortunately it runs in my family so I live with it more often than not. Meds can help but they’re not perfect and you really need to be properly monitored if you go that route. Stephanie has good suggestions above, and I’m sorry I don’t have more to add to them, but hang in there.
Hey–class isn’t as enjoyable when you’re not there! The semester will be over very soon. We should definitely chill again. I get cabin fever in the Winter sometimes.
This read like my mind. I recently just stood for a second one day and realised no matter what I do on this Earth or in my life nothing will be accomplished. We are merely dust and are in no situation to continue life. Humanity will meet its downfall and nothing will change, the universe will expand, the earth will spin and stars born. Our fate is certain. This is not pessimistic but just reality.
Sorry to join the choir here, but:
“I am trying to “be strong” but there’s just not much out there. My life isn’t hard by any stretch of the imagination: I have somewhere to live, friends, options, fun things to do, but I literally care not for any of it. I don’t even care enough to cry.”
I’ve felt that way for longer than I care to remember now. I pretty much have one close friend, no job, no education to speak of, no girlfriend. I know what it’s like. As cliché as it sounds; you are not alone.